The New Pastament
The Acts of the Apastals
Chapter 1 – The Tale of Ichiban Bach
*As transcribed by Ichiban Bach
1 His Noodlyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, lacked recognition, and so sought to spread His Word. 2 Into the hands of wise men, he placed the seeds of knowledge that might sprout piety. 3 His Noodlyness appeared to Grey, who He knew would provide a bridge between the realm of man, and the realm of pasta.
4 In a dream, He spoke to Grey:
5 Grey, know that I am your Lord and Master, the FSM. 6 Know that through you, my Noodly Appendage is Manifest. 7 In Manifest, thou wilt inform those whosoever thou shouldst see most fitting to rally My people. 8 Thou shalt inform him of the Holiness of Pirates, of my call for their return. 9 Thou shalt inform him of The Holy Meal, and its importance. 10 Thou shalt inform him of Bobby, and thou shalt guide him to Bobby. 11 Only then, will thy task be complete.
12 And then, knowing and accepting his task, Grey awoke with a mighty, “YARR!”
13 Yet untouched by his Noodly Appendage, fate would have it that placed in the path of Bach, was Grey, the scripture-bearing man of wisdom. 14 More precisely, this scripture was the Word of Bobby. 15 Bach read The Document and felt His touch. 16 He was changed, no longer lost to the perplexing void of agnosticism, but now encompassed by His Infinate Noodlyness.
17 Upon completeing the Document, a vision came over Bach: A strand of cooked spaghetti shot from Bach. 18 It shot beyond the room in which he stood, beyond the earth’s atmosphere, beyond the stars and planets, beyond time and space itself. It was here that Bach saw his Noodly Master, who then spoke:
19 Bach! I had charged Grey with the task of informing you of My Word. 20 Through Grey I was made Manifest, and through that vessel, I reached out to you. 21 Grey’s task is complete, but for you, I have a task of great importance, a task which may prove lifelong… be you willing to accept? 22 Wilt thou accept my noodly appendage to remain Manifest?
23 For a moment, Bach was astonished, but he felt His touch, and knew it to be right. 24 Confidently, Bach replied: “YAR! Whatever ye be chargin’ me with, Oi do mos’ humble accept! 25 Yer Noodlyness hath scooped o’t me entails, boil’d ‘em, ‘n returned ‘em fortified w’starch. 26 Oi be a bloody villain ‘fOi not be acceptin’ ‘o yer charge”
27 Good then, Bach! Thine decision pleases me, now shalt this single strand be fortified and twined to last for all time!
28 Then, from beyond time and space came cascading noodles, twining and braiding as they came.
29 I provide thou with an unseverable connection to my Noodly Appendage, now through you I am Manifest.
30 Suddenly the vision came to an end, and Bach found himself sitting alone facing a black wall, he knew what course to take:
31 Closely following Bach’s vision was the holiest day of the year: International Talk Like a Pirate Day. 32 Bach decided to assemble regalia and wear it throughout this most holy day, regardless of the consequence.
33 On the eve of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Bach set out his Regalia, partook of the Holy Meal, and sought rest early. 34 He awoke early to meditate on the tasks at hand. 35 He was at first uneasy about his decision, but no sooner had he felt the first pang of uncertainty than all reality melted away to reveal the infinate noodliness that encompassed all. 36 The FSM then spoke:
37 Be not afaid Bach, for no matter the outcome, thou wilt be executing my divine Word. 38 From’t no harm can be done, to’t no harm can be done. 39 Worry not, as all will be well, I am through you Manifest. 40 Be at peace, Bach.
41 Bach ended his meditiation abruptly with a “YAR!” of confidence, then donned his Regalia and set off.
42 Bach was at first unopposed and wore his regalia proudly, but, before long, was challenged by Bierul the Giant, master of the first eighth. 43 “No ‘ats een d’buildeen, BACH!” cried Bierul. 44 The bellowing voice shook Bach to his very foundation. 45 He braced himself and found strength in His Noodlyness, at which time he responded: “yar, there be a clause in d’ no ‘at rule ye be brandishin’ ’round. 46 Ye see, it be permitted fer ‘ats t’be donned fer religous reasonin…”
47 But before Bach’s argument had been heard out, Bierul struck him down with his fearsome cane, “Yees’ot two choicees: firstly, yoo can t’k off d’at. 48 Secondly, yoo can face Hale.” 49 Bach knew that he would most likely have to face Hale, master the eighths, and was about to meet Bierul’s threat head-on, when he felt a tug on his Appendage Manifestation and heard His voice:
50 Though thine intent fall on the boat, don’t be too eager to set sail. 51 My word spreads, let it reverberate fore thy encounter with the master of the eighths. 52 Thine boat yet requires a hull, without which it will sink. 53 When the time is right, thou wilt know. 54 When the time is right, act on it, but do not risk the peril of premature action.
55 “So, wot’ll eet be,” demanded Bierul. 56 “Oi be taken off me hat, Bierul, but in soul, it remain where it now lie,” responded Bach, as he scornfully removed his hat, and took seat amongst the subjects of the first eighth.
57 And so Bach was persecuted, but at the begining of the second eighth, he readorned his hat anew. 58 Meller, master of the second eighth, recieved his Noodly Appendage, and even had Bach speak His word to the class. 59 The third and fourth eighths went by without notice, but as Bach traveled to the room of the fifth eighth a voice decreed “Eh! Captain Ahab! 60 Teke off th’ hat!” 61 The FSM sent along his twined appendage:
62 Now is the time, Bach! 63 Now! 64 With all that thy have, let thine faith pour from thy mouth like beer from our heavenly volcano!
65 “Teke off th’ hat, please,” commanded Nor. 66 With a ferver, Bach replied, “Ay, that I shan’t be doin’. 67 This be me Regalia, and I shan’t be takin’ it off. 68 It be a divine decree that I should be wearin’ it. 69 Shouldst I need to be speakin wit’ a man higher up ‘an yerself to rectify this problem, I be glad to comply.” 70 And so it happened that Bach was directed to Hale, the master of the eighths.
71 Bach entered the master of the eighth’s chambers, and was met by a wench. 72 “Wot’s ‘e matter? 73 Wot you need’e see Hale fer,” inquired the wench. 74 “Oi be needin’ to see the master of the eighth’s to rectify a conflict o’ faith an’ law,” replied Bach. 75 He was then seated to wait, as Hale was busy with mastering the eighths. 76 As he waited, for audience with Hale, Bach encountered Reldnarch, the pirate. 77 Bach and Reldnarch exchanged piratey words, and then he departed. 78 With his spirits bolstered by this encoutner, Bach was called back to see Hale.
79 “What is all this about FSMism that I hear?” Asked Hale.
80 “Oi, ye see, I was wearin’ me hat in celebration o’ th’ day, when I wos accosted boi a man who told me Oi couldn’t wear me hat! 81 ‘E said ‘at I should ‘ave a word wit’ you an’ that would be that and Oi could wear my ‘at! 82 So, I come to yer and ask yer kindly ‘at you respect me rights and let me wear me hat,” Bach replied.
83 Hale stared at Bach for a moment, unsure of what to say. 84 Out of this moment of silence Bach’s confidence grew, and when Hale spoke, it almost did not matter what words he would speak, for nothing he could possibly say would sway Bach’s faith.
85 “Well, you see: We only have one instance where an individual is allowed to wear a hat here, and he had a letter from a religious figure. 86 If you can obtain such a letter, we might resume this conversation,” said Hale.
87 With this ultimatum, Bach was barred from wearing his hat, however, he contacted His Holyness, Bobby, for a letter of the required specifications.
Author’s Note: This is where my story ends for now, as Bobby has agreed to write me a letter, but has not yet done so. Also, this is a rough draft, subject to change. I hope you all enjoy it, I know that I enjoyed writing it. RAmen!
Chapter 2 – The Martyrdom of Tristan the Martyr
*As transcribed by Platypus Enthusiast as regailed unto him by Tristan the Martyr and Tall John Silver
1 It was a dark and stormy school day. 2 My sister’s-fiance’s-son aka my nephew had a school assignment where he had to write a letter to the society of the future about his religion. 3 My nephew, Tristan, a devout and proud Pastafarian decided he would write about us. 4 His teacher, however, thought it was dumb and that he was just screwing around and took ten points off.
5 Tristan’s dad, Tall John, a Pastafarian-sympathizer, wrote a powerful letter back to the teacher explaining how FSMism is legit and saying she would never do the same thing if the paper was about Judaism or Scientology. 6 The teacher, realizing that she was being discriminatory (and maybe noticing the irony that the letter is about religions intolerance), decided to change the grade. 7 She gave him back five points, but kept the other five off for not proofreading, though there didn’t seem to be a problem with his spelling and grammar the first time she graded it.
8 Now five points doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but it is the principle of the thing. 9 Tristan took it like a man and was pretty proud of the incident. 10 But persecution and inequality is a fate worse than dancing the hempen jig. 11 Maybe some day we will be accepted.