The Book of ProvHerbs

The collected wisdom of the Pastafarians

 

Chapter One

1The True Believers, the midgits/midgets, the Pirates, and the Pastafarians, gathered in the shadow of The Mountain, and nearby were Some Trees. 2They looked upon one another in the vast multitudes gathered there, and finally one spoke for she was wise among them: 3“There are many of us here.”

4“Yes!” cried the thousands upon thousands of voices, in a deafening shout of agreement.

5“One at a time!” she said, 6“or I shall have the First Holy Hissy Fit! 7And none of this crying junk, either. 8Normal talking will do just fine.”

9“Alright, we’re sorry,” they said, in a less deafening rumble.

10“That’s a little better, but not much,” said the wise one. 11“Let me introduce myself. I am the First of the Dee Dees, 12and the generations of the Pastafarians shall come to know me well. 13Throughout the generations, the Pirates shall know me, and the Midgit/Midgets, and all the Brothers and Sisters; 14for wherever they wander I will be there to assure fairness and wisdom. 15My descendents will spend many late nights wandering the Forums of the Internet, making comments and settling disagreements, and occasionally smacking around the idiotic.” 16 A distant hand arose in the crowd. 17“You there,” said Dee Dee the First, pointing her out, “Did you have a question?”

18“Um, yes, begging your pardon, ma’am, but what is the Internet?” asked a woman nearly lost in the crowd.

19“Good question,” answered Dee Dee the First, 20“and I wish I could answer, but I do not yet know. 21All I can tell you is this; Our Great Noodly Lord Touched Me with His Appendage in the night” 22The crowd made a low eeewwww sound, for some interpreted this with jealousy, others interpreted it as naughtiness, and others as icky. 23“Behave Yourselves!” said Dee Dee the First with a stomp of her foot. 24“This is just what The Flying Spaghetti Monster warned me about. 25He Touched me and told me that for generations, people of all sorts would be unruly, and for some reason I and my descendents would have to keep them in line.” 26She sighed a sigh audible far and wide among the True Believers. 27“On that note, He also told me that among the True Believers there is great wisdom, and that it should be gathered together, and that some poor sap would volunteer to write it all down.”

28“I have a bunch of stone tablets and a chisel,” came a distant and smarty-pants voice from the back of the crowd.

29“You then. I guess you’re the one,” said Dee Dee the First. 30A great and painfully deafening cheer sounded forth from the gathered True Believers. 31Among the cheer, both Dee Dee the First and the scribe could swear they were able to discern people saying 32“Sucker!” 33 and “Chump!” 34 and “Better you than me!”

35“Would you ALL stop shouting!,” yelled Dee Dee the First. 36“You do NOT want to see me get angry!”

37“Well I guess I could start to organize it, you know, not really put it all together myself then be responsible for all the communication about it and everything” 38said the woman who was known among the True Believers as Solipsy The Self-Important. 39“Um, I guess I don’t have much else to do anyways, and it would be cool if I could get a fancy title and stuff. 40Could I get a fancy title?”

41“I’ll see what I can do,” answered Dee Dee the First. 42“In the meantime, go forth into the masses, and gather together the wisdom that exists among them. 43Translate it without doing too much damage to its overall intent, 44and please, whatever else you do try not to make an idiot out of yourself.” 45Laughter arose from the crowd for some had encountered Solipsy and knew her smarty-pants nature and the chances she would sometimes make an idiot out of herself.

46Solipsy sighed. “Thank you, Dee Dee the First. I shall try to serve Our Lord Glob with all my heart, 47and produce a Holy Text that reflects His Greatness and complies with the wishes of the Great Prophets, past, present, and future.

48Another hand arose in the crowd. Dee Dee the First pointed to the man raising it. “Yeeesss?” she said. “What is it now?”

49“How can a person comply with the wishes of a future prophet?” the man asked.

50“As with all religious texts,” pointed out Dee Dee the First, “this one is confusing and obscure, with inherent contradictions, for it is the inspired and gathered lore of a religious people over time. 51Any more silly questions before we begin the book of ProvHerbs?”

52“No,” whispered the chastised crowd. 53And with that the account of the scribing of the wise ProvHerbs did begin:

Chapter Two

1Many were the True Believers, and both great and silly was the wisdom among them. 2Either way, heed, O Pastafarians this advice, for to ignore it would be most unwise and a bummer to the Great and Wheat-Based Protein-Orbed Creator of All That There Is. 3He has inspired many, who shall be cited en masse at the end of the book of ProvHerbs. 4Pastafarians have always been a smart bunch, and the Noodly Glob in Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory Heaven knoweth that they will until eternity understand the clumsy nature of putting every name alongside every ProvHerb, and how that would kill the overall comic effect of this section of the Holy Book.

5Truly, great is the wisdom among the inspired True Believers, and the scribe Solipsy did invite the inspired to form an orderly line and spill forth that wisdom, 6for she was excessively over-controlling. 7After such a time had passed that a quantity of the wisdom had been gathered, the scribe brought it before a Council of the Elders among the Pastafarians. 8She entered the Great Hall, and on the table before her was the Holy Meal which no Pastafarian refuses another, 9and afterward was much irrelevant and tiresome discussion, 10and some hours later a platter of doughnuts was brought forth.

11Finally, it was the scribe’s turn to speak. “O Wise Ones, I present to you the wisdom of the Pastafarian Believers, which I have gathered as you have asked.”

12“Didst thee also check it for spelling errors?” the elders asked of her.

13She hung her head in shame. “No, I did not.” 14A great cry came issued from among them, and the doughnuts were removed.

15“Check these documents and bring them back in suitable condition that we may sort them and adjudicate them as worthy for inclusion in our Holy Book!” they yelled. 16The scribe left without her treasured doughnut, muttering words forever lost to history.

17For many more days and nights she toiled, chiseling out the bad spellings and grammar, 18and sorting the advice of the inspired Pastafarians into broad categories so that the Council would look upon her with favor. 19The scribe was determined that when next she brought the texts before the council, the doughnut of crème filling and chocolate-frosted top would be her prize.

20In due course, she was convinced the Texts were presentable, and she brought them forth again. 21Same sh* “ouch” scene, different day. 22Only this time, the Elders looked upon the corrected ProvHerbs, pronounced some of them Canon, and sorted them into final categories. 23Thus did the scribe receive her doughnut, and further instructions to finalize them and present them to the Pastafarian tribes of the True Believers.

Chapter Three

So began the amassed wisdom of the ProvHerbs:

Advice on Cooking, Eating & Enjoying Tasty Pasta:

1Faith is to the soul what sauce is to pasta. 2The meaning of life can only be found at the bottom of a pasta bowl. 3To the divine feast, the wise bringeth TicTacs, but the fool leaveth with breath most garlicky and offensive. 4And once the garlic has been in the sauce, yea verily, thou must brush your tongue as well as your teeth, before thou layest with your wench.

5Starch not the shirts nor the linens, for starch is a holy foodstuff and should be consumed with reverence – and a good sauce. 6He who eats pasta shall never be hungry. 7There is never a right way to overcook pasta. 8As long as we eat our pasta and do not overcook it, we shall be saved. 9Feed a man pasta and you have fed him for a day, teach a man to cook pasta and you will amaze his wife.

10The wise Believer checketh the date of the Parmesan, but the foolish accidentally flavor the sauce with mold. 11Whoever tops with the cheese of the powder is a blasphemer, sayeth the Lord. 12Do not put ranch dressing on your spaghetti, for that is blasphemy. 13Abhor ye not the dried pasta, for verily it is written that only the stuff in tins is an abomination.

14His Noodliness helps those who help themselves to seconds!

How to Pleasingly Praise Our Lord the Flying Spaghetti Monster:

15If thy sauce falleth in thy lap, sing praise that His Noodleyness has spareth’ed thy new shag pile. 16To touch the divine, is not the same as being divinely touched. 17He shall cover thee with his spaghetti, and under his marinara shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy parmesian and meatballs.

18I can do all things through FSM who marinates me.19 Please prepare your plates, let us eat. Pass the Parmesan. 20As you treat the least of the midgets, so you treat Him. 21He who doubteth me shall sip warm diet drinks fortified with caramel coloring and artificial sweetener forever: But he who believeth in me shall drink his fill from the beer volcano and the Holy Wine Bar.

How to Treat Others and Great Advice In General:

22If you can’t say anything nice, fill up your mouth with pasta. Yum! 23Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not cooked in the same pot. 24Better the mushroom you know than the fungus you don’t know. 25A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up pasta sauce. 26A friend in need is a friend who has not been touched.

27A closed mouth catches no noodly appendages. 28You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget the pirates with whom you ate pasta. 29Where no spaghetti is, the people fall: but in the multitude of pastas there is safety. 30Let he who is without arms, cast the first stone. 31When a thief sees the Noodley One, all he sees are His pockets. 32Love thy neighbor as thyself, and share pasta and rum drinks galore, for in the eyes of His Noodlitude, we are all One.

33Let us love, not in word or speech, but in pasta and wine. 34Kiss the cook.

Beatitudes:

35With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl. 36FSM answered, It is written:’Man does not live on bread alone, but on every pasta that comes from the mouth of me. 37Cook pasta for others, as you would have them cook pasta for you. 38As a child I slurped noodles as a child, dribbled sauce as a child, and threw meatballs as a child. Now I see through the sauce darkly, and speak with the tongues of pirates, and all is sound and blurry if I have not love. 39Faith, hope, and noodles; and of these, the greatest is noodles.

40It is easier for a meatball to pass through the eye of a tornado than for a confused man to enter the Kingdom of Pasta. 41Punish not those but for a noodle for a noodle, a meatball for a meatball. 42Strive for the stars, for nothing is impastable. 43Pray for the things you want, but work for the pasta you need. 44Thou shall continue on the path of the great noodly one, through both thick marina sauce and thin marinara sauce.

45Those who ask for seconds will be provided, those with no appetite for the lord shall feel His hunger. 46Those who eat pasta shall inherit the earth. 47Let he who is without seasoning, cast the first pinch of basil. 48Noodle unto others as you would have them noodle unto you.

How to Live Well:

49For the Flying Spaghetti Monster hath said, always leave the campground nicer than you found it. 50Ahoy there ye dogs; Swab the decks daily or ye house will sink. 51Tis an invitation of bad luck not to speak in the Blessed Language at least once a day, before mealtimes. 52Avast! Give in to temptation daily, for the FSM is not vengeful god and wants you to have a little fun along the way. 53Judge not the shape of thy noodle, but by the form of thy cheese for any one among you. 54The FSM shall bless the True Believer who wipeth the sauce from his chin, but shall not spare the shirts of the careless. 55Cleanliness is next to Noodliness.

Proof of His Prankish Nature:

56Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 57A meatball in the hand is worth two on the plate. 58Do unto others what you would pay a stripper to do unto you. 59Never eat yellow snow. 60Think not disparaging of the night BUT cast thine eyes upon the moon for FSM put it there to remind you of a plate of pasta.

61A donkey with a load of noodles is still but a donkey. 62The Gas that comes from eating a full Plate is but the Divine noodle’s way of saying, ‘You’re Welcome.’ 63Ask not what your pasta can do for you, just eat it. 64Blessed are the pastamakers…theirs is the Kingdom of cheese. 65Use only the wooden spoon preparing the Holy Sauce in my best pan, otherwise you will surely feel the back of my not-so-Noodly appendage upon thee. 66Cake tastes good.

67When picking vanilla, chocolate, or chocolate swirl, get the swirl, or FSM will smite you with regret! 68Do not fear ducks, because that would be stupid. 69Arrrrrr, it is revealed and to be held holy that He hath two meatballs, but three meatballs shall be held heresy and garner the displeasure of His Appendage. 70His Noodlyness blesses not the deniers of Global Warming, but shall make pirates plentiful to those who have been touched. 71The Flying Spaghetti Monster looks with favor upon the saucy, but shall keep his blessed beer volcano flat for the dry. 72A lasagna in time serves nine.

73An eyepatch is a sign of Good favor while wooden legs are signs that you need to watch out for cannons. 74Blessed are the pasta-makers, they shall inherit 10 gold dubloons. 75I think, therefore I am a pirate. 76The early bird gets the worm, but the late worm loses the bird. 77The early bird gets the worm, but who likes eating worms? 78The early bird may get the worm, but the late sleeper recovers from a hangover.

79And what is it that the Pastafarians of all kinds are to remember most of all? 80To be inclusive of people of all sorts for We Are All His Creatures.

Chapter Four

1On that note, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, in His Special Prankish Way, did possess a True Believer and inspire him to recite the following most silly rhymes:

2A Proverb of Encouragement
for those who lack fingers and forks:

3Better that he, who hath no fork,
Eat with his fingers;
4Better that he, who hath no fingers,
Eat with a fork.
5Much better that he, who hath neither/nor,
Just pasta and sauce, and one meat-sa-ball,
6Would lap what he could–straight off the floor,
And then roll that ball down the hall.

7Hear this, ye gluttons, and be wise:
Bear in mind thy stomach’s size.

8When thou sittest at thy table,
Thy napkin reaches up thy navel.

9When thou eatest thy spaghetti,
Do not hack it with a big machete.

10Do not suck thy strands as heathens do;
But that is between thy FSM and you.

11I use a fork, as well as spoon,
to form a mouth-size ball, quite soon.

12For wine? with pasta, meatballs, sauce and cheese;
Try a blend of Merlot, Cabernet and Sangiovese.

13And if thou yearnest Lord Pasta’s praise,
Then cook His sauce in many a ways.

Chapter Five

The Awesomeness of the FSM:

1 Give a starving man spaghetti, and he will exhibit great mirth for a day. Teach a starving man to cook spaghetti, and he will exhibit great girth and drink vast quanities of wine for the rest of his life. 2 An apple a day keeps the Scurvy away. 3 Tis better to have pasta without sauce, than not to have pasta at all. 4 Wiser is the man who keeps his mouth closed with pasta, than the fool who doth chew and speak, spittling like the beasts of the field. 5 the cooking of a great feast begins with a single ingredient 6 It is easier to ask for seconds, than for a plate. 7 If at first you dont suceed…Drink excessively. 8 Remember thee that the penne is mightier than the sword, but any pasta shape is better than an object designed to maime and kill.

9 Ye cannae teach an elderly pyrate nuffin’, least ove awl tricks. 10 A lolly inner han is wurf two inner bilje. 11 As ye Spaniard sows, so shall the Pirate reap.

12 Monster grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the Noodle to know the difference. 13 I remember that an elephant never forgets, but i forget what the elephant remembered. 14 The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 15 Flying Spaghetti Monster, please give me the hunger to eat the pasta I can, the humility to accept that I can eat no more when too full, and the wisdom to remember where I live when I’m trashed on Holy Friday.

With acknowledgement to:
NoodleNet, Shoeman, sonofajoiner, PastaDisciple, Garlic, Cardinal Rigatoni, ke_mikiao, DHR, kaioshin00, NickNasty, soyastuff, _Tex_, Rasti, Steve, Instant Noodles, Erin, Omar Ravenhurst, Verbtea, bonsiakc, In Altissimus, Iylana23, Lady Voldything, Ushnor, Solipsy, Father Jerome, Clachair, Ubi Dubius, Nef Yoo Blackbeard, Detective TurtleHomes, black bart, Qwertyuiopasd, and Ditalini Diva